Using Math to Bully Weak Teams: The Cheering for the Best Test

 Have you ever wondered what the most blessed NHL fanbase is? What about the one most cursed and wretched? Well, I certainly have, and now I've done a bunch of math to prove that I'm right and you're wrong. Here's how:

1. When did you win your cups?

As the pinnacle of the sport, I've assigned the value of winning the Stanley Cup to the best number: 100. But cups, like cars, lose value the minute they aren't new. So while a cup in 2000 is still an accomplishment, it's much less satisfying than one won in 2023. To reflect this fact, I've estimated that it loses a value of two per year. Wait, there's another caveat here. Consecutive cups not only retain their value, but actually gain value. So, during consecutive cup runs, they gain a value of 2 per year.

2. How deep are your playoff runs?

While the cup is the ultimate prize, recent playoff success helps alleviate the sting of losing, at least a bit. So obviously, the deeper the run, the more valuable it is for the fanbase. Losing in each round is awarded a value of 5-10-20-50 respectively. Additionally, the shelf-life of each of these benchmarks shrinks the shallower the run is. Thus, each decreases by 5-5-4-5 respectively.

3. How long is your streak?

Playoff streaks are an all-or-nothing kind of thing. They take a while to build to anything of note and are often forgotten about among fans the month after they end. As such, I am awarding streaks of at least 6 years with a flat bonus of 20 which disappears as soon as the streak is broken.

4. What's up with the President's Trophy?

Uh, yeah. This is another all-or-nothing kinda thing. If you win the President's Trophy, you better at least make the finals, if not win them. For those teams that manage to win both, it makes the season all the more impressive in hindsight. But those that don't end up with a trophy worth nothing but a busket of warm p-- spit. As such, Pres Trophy winners who win the cup are given a 20-point boost that diminishes by 1 every year, while Cup Runners-up gain a 10-point bonus that diminishes by 5 every year. All others get nothing.

5. Well, did you at least pick first?

If you're still reading, you might have noticed that all of these are very playoff-oriented. This is because rooting for the best entails rooting for those with playoff success. But I'm throwing basement-dwellers a bone here. If you suck, then pick first overall in the draft, you gain 28 points. I think that's fair, given that many people would rather have 1OA than a conference finals loss. But here's the rub: enthusiasm for 1OA fades fast. As such, I'm docking these teams 7 points per year.

The Best:

The best teams by these metrics are as follows:

1. Tampa Bay Lightning - 336

It's not surprising that the Lightning top this list. a cup in 2004 and a finals appearance in 2015 set up a good base, while an active seven-year playoff streak,  two consecutive cups followed by a 2022 finals appearance put them way over the top in terms of recent success.

2. Pittsburgh Penguins - 328

The Penguins are another team that mixes recent success with legacy for a powerful combo. Two cups in the early 90s, another in '09, and two more in '16 and '17 put them in poll position for most cup points. They slip behind TBL only based on their recent failure to make any deep runs in recent years.

3. Chicago Blackhawks - 276

Chicago recently shot up the ranks thanks to their 2023 Draft Lottery win. It certainly helps that they dominated the 2010s, winning three cups in the past 13 years.

4. Detroit Red Wings - 235

Well, it's certainly not the draft that buoys Detroit. Four relatively recent cups (and a President's Trophy) are all Detroit needs to hit the number four spot.

5. Colorado Avalanche - 225

Colorado is one year removed from their most recent cup. They also have a 6-year playoff streak and a pair of cups from 20 years ago to place them comfortably at fifth.

The Worst:

Four teams share the (dis)honor of having absolutely nothing to cheer for. And I'm sure you've already guessed most of them. After all, it's rare to consistently miss the playoffs and whiff at the draft lottery. For those of you who haven't guessed yet, the zero club roster is Ottawa, Vancouver, Columbus, and Arizona. There are teams whose prospects have been comparably bleak (Minnesota and Winnipeg are both within 5 of flatlining), but at this current moment, only these four fanbases have nothing to celebrate.